erm.

i'm sorry i'm always such an angst bucket on here, but i've always found it hard to complain about stuff in real life. sorrysorrysorry.

but um, i'm feeling really shitty.

lately, i had been talking to this guy. he seemed pretty decent, and i started taking a liking to him. we hung out a bit, and i got the vibe that he liked me too. so when he asked to hang out the other day, i was more than happy to.

well, i get to his house and he sits me down on his couch. he then starts to tell me that he only wanted a physical relationship with me, and nothing more. he felt like we didn't get along, but he still talked to me in the hopes that i'd sleep with him or something. it's like, i thought i finally found a guy who actually cared about me, but i guess that's not the case.

it was pretty upsetting though. i mean, it's upsetting in general to be seen as a fuck toy, but when it's done by somebody you kind of liked and trusted, it's even more hurtful. i'm glad he came out with the truth before i did anything physical with him, but i wish he never led me on like that in the first place.

and my reaction to it upsets me too. i was so calm during the conversation. i really wanted to scream at him, to cry, to make him feel as bad as i did. but i couldn't. i said really positive things back (oh, don't feel guilty. at least you're being honest now. i'm okay, don't worry about me), while my brain was screaming fuck you's. i was almost fucking tempted to give him a good-bye hug or handshake, for god's sake.
and then when i left, i couldn't even slam the door. then, when i was walking back to campus, i started crying. of course i started crying after i left and he couldn't see me, and it wasn't like i could go back and yell at him.

but why am i so calm about things like this? i should have acted angry or at least upset, but i was positive. is it my fear of confrontation? was i afraid of making him feel bad? i don't know.

and then, i started thinking about my past experiences with guys. i was reminded of my first boyfriend. he was awesome to me before we dated; we had great conversations, we kidded around, and had fun. but when we started dating, all he talked about was how he couldn't wait to have sex with me, or how he desperately wanted to take a shower with me. like, a couple of weeks into our relationship, he showed me a drawer in his room full of condoms. i couldn't fucking believe it.

it's like, why do i attract these kind of guys? i'm not really a sexy person, and the way i dress is pretty average. so why why why do guys treat me like this? i would never think of doing that to a guy, so what makes them think they can do it to me?

oh god, i made myself cry.