life

is going REALLY well. i mean it.

college is just fantastic. my first semester is coming to a close (i go on winter break after next week!), and i'm just really excited for my next semester's classes. i'm going to take biology, statistics, a writing class, and a 'thinking' class. the last two sound kind of lame, but biology and statistics are gonna go towards my major. which is biology. haha.

i also feel like i've finally settled into a niche. all throughout high school, i was a part of different groups but never felt like i really fully belonged to any of them. now i've found a group of people i feel totally comfortable with, and it's just the greatest.

and um, i also got a crush on a guy i know, haha. he's just fantastic, and i'm really, really hoping things work out in my favor this time. :V

but yeah, i'm pretty happy. :)

erm.

i'm sorry i'm always such an angst bucket on here, but i've always found it hard to complain about stuff in real life. sorrysorrysorry.

but um, i'm feeling really shitty.

lately, i had been talking to this guy. he seemed pretty decent, and i started taking a liking to him. we hung out a bit, and i got the vibe that he liked me too. so when he asked to hang out the other day, i was more than happy to.

well, i get to his house and he sits me down on his couch. he then starts to tell me that he only wanted a physical relationship with me, and nothing more. he felt like we didn't get along, but he still talked to me in the hopes that i'd sleep with him or something. it's like, i thought i finally found a guy who actually cared about me, but i guess that's not the case.

it was pretty upsetting though. i mean, it's upsetting in general to be seen as a fuck toy, but when it's done by somebody you kind of liked and trusted, it's even more hurtful. i'm glad he came out with the truth before i did anything physical with him, but i wish he never led me on like that in the first place.

and my reaction to it upsets me too. i was so calm during the conversation. i really wanted to scream at him, to cry, to make him feel as bad as i did. but i couldn't. i said really positive things back (oh, don't feel guilty. at least you're being honest now. i'm okay, don't worry about me), while my brain was screaming fuck you's. i was almost fucking tempted to give him a good-bye hug or handshake, for god's sake.
and then when i left, i couldn't even slam the door. then, when i was walking back to campus, i started crying. of course i started crying after i left and he couldn't see me, and it wasn't like i could go back and yell at him.

but why am i so calm about things like this? i should have acted angry or at least upset, but i was positive. is it my fear of confrontation? was i afraid of making him feel bad? i don't know.

and then, i started thinking about my past experiences with guys. i was reminded of my first boyfriend. he was awesome to me before we dated; we had great conversations, we kidded around, and had fun. but when we started dating, all he talked about was how he couldn't wait to have sex with me, or how he desperately wanted to take a shower with me. like, a couple of weeks into our relationship, he showed me a drawer in his room full of condoms. i couldn't fucking believe it.

it's like, why do i attract these kind of guys? i'm not really a sexy person, and the way i dress is pretty average. so why why why do guys treat me like this? i would never think of doing that to a guy, so what makes them think they can do it to me?

oh god, i made myself cry.

um

things are getting a little better for me.
like, i still have a lot of the problems, but i'm less stressed out about them.
and i think i'm getting closer to knowing what to do with my life. i'm thinking about majoring in biology, and doing forensics or something along those lines.
my cat is getting better bit by bit.
i still have a crush on that guy, and i'm shy about talking to him, but hopefully i'm seeing him tomorrowwww at the radio station meetings.
oh, and i finally shadowed to become a dj. now i have to learn the actual rules and take a test. yaaay.
classes still suck though.

fuck.

things are just really overwhelming for me right now, and i just feel paralyzed by it all.

my cat got hit by a car and broke his hip. he has to be kept in a cage and he won't stop crying.
i hate most of my classes and get annoyed by the people in them.
my dad is sick and hates his job, but he refuses to take a leave of absence.
i met a guy and kind of have a little crush on him, but he hasn't said a word to me since the first time we actually hung out. i'm nervous, and think that he totally hates me or something.
i don't know what i want to do with myself. i don't really have high goals like everybody else i know, and it kind of makes me feel weird.
my ballroom dance class lacks a few boys, and i'm one of the girls who's always left without a partner. it depresses me and only reminds me of high school dances.
i'm poor, don't have a license, and don't have a job.

god, i need a hug.

first real post.

sooo, i'm in college. but i'm a commuter.
and it really, really sucks.

i feel disconnected from campus and everybody on it. i feel dependent, and i really want to spread out and start my own life, one that isn't centered around the house i grew up in.

i know a lot of people miss their homes right now, but honestly, i've been living in the same house for 16 years, and the same town for a bit longer. i'm ready for change, and it's not coming fast enough for me.

so yeah. :I

hm.

hello, i'm amy. i decided to start doing a blog, but i'm not sure if i'll update very frequently. if i don't, sorry, and if i do, sorry again. i'm just gonna write out my thoughts from time to time, maybe post some drawings, and just kind of use this as an outlet.

so yeah.
nice to meet ya.